Om...
I had an acupuncture appointment today, and learned many interesting things. I'm also quite relaxed now, which is keeping me from hurling my laptop across the room because it i-s o-n-l-y l-e-t-t-i-n-g m-e t-y-p-e (aw, fuckit) one letter a second.
Ahem. Om...
The acupuncturist was a nice lady, probably in her 40s and soft-spoken - which is a good thing to be, if you're holding several needles in your hand and telling me you'll be sticking them in my person.
She started out by looking at my list of grievances physical ailments, and saying, "No more sugar for you. Your yin is in deficit. Also, no more coffee."
It was clever of her to have locked the door, because she just ruled out about 80 percent of my diet. Plus which I don't consider coffee a beverage; I consider it medicine.
Om...
So she told me to restructure my diet, because my immune system and adrenal gland were overtaxed. She determined this by, among other things, looking at my tongue (too red; should be pink) and holding my hands (too hot; should be warm). She also gave me the most painful pulse-taking of my life - not that it was all that painful, but usually whoever is doing it has his or her fingers on my wrist for just long enough to determine that I'm not dead. She informed me that my kidney pulse was too weak. Damn slacker kidneys. They were probably loafing and watching Oprah.
Then we proceeded to the treatment room. For those of you who haven't had acupuncture, it's kind of like getting a really good massage - except instead of some strapping young lad named Horst, what's mobilizing your blood and energy are a bunch of little needles inserted up and down your body.
Yay. Actually, it's really quite painless and - for me, anyway - works really well.
I got punctured, and the nice lady left me alone to relax. I know I relaxed, because I woke myself up snoring. I wonder who else I woke up... oh well.
After all the needles had been yanked out and I was getting ready to leave, the nice lady recommended I take something home to do self-therapy: a seven-pointed star.
Oh, I thought. That's nice. I like stars.
Instead, what I got was this:
It's about the size of a toothbrush, and at the broad end (barely visible here) are seven needles, about 1/4" long. On the thin end is one mutha of a needle, also about 1/4" long but about as wide around as... as... something you don't want poking in your skin.
The nice lady told me I should gently whack myself in the head with this seven-pointed star, to stimulate my follicles and promote hair growth. I think her strategy is to scare my hair into growing.
Om...
I'm going back next week for more poking. I can't deny that I feel much better now than I did before I saw her this afternoon - I'm very relaxed and not hungry and my mind seems quite clear. If nothing else, I think my general health will improve because a doctor has finally said, Smarten up, you're hurting yourself.
Does anyone else have acupuncture stories? I'd be interested in hearing them.
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