So I got through an average day at work, with only a couple of testy e-mails from the woman who presented me with a 70-page dog's breakfast of painstaking undoings of all my previous edits.
Okay, she didn't actually undo anything I had done, but she had put in a whole load of new crap that required some serious reworking. I (tactfully, I thought) asked her if she would be making it to my presentation on report writing style next week. She said she'd be out of town. I (tactfully) sent her a copy of my planned PowerPoint presentation. She apparently looked through the presentation and the accompanying notes, then wrote back asking, "What does this have to do with me?"
Um... yeah.
If I mention that English is not her first language, will I sound like a bigot in any sense other than a grammatical one? Damn right I want our reports to sound like they're written by native English speakers. In fact I'd say that's a requirement of good business practice. But I'm just the editor.
Anyway, to work off some of the steam that was building up between my ears, I decided to try out "five easy exercises you can do at your desk, to prevent that office-chair spread." Hm. Well - too late for that, but perhaps there are other things I can do to keep from atrophying while I tie my brain into knots. The article suggested leg lifts, underneath your desk. That was fine, in theory, until the man who sits across the aisle from me said, "What are you doing?" I put on my best dumb innocent voice and said, "What?" "It looks like you're doing synchronized swimming without a partner," he said.
End of the leg lifts.
Then the article suggested side bends, "as far as possible while staying safe." I think side lurches and side slides come after a three-martini lunch, and are decidedly unsafe. So - because my friend across the aisle could only see me from my knees down - I decided to try some side bends. Do you know how hard it is to concentrate on what you're reading on your computer screen while you're tipping over like the little teapot (short and stout, no doubt)?
Finally, there was one exercise that the article said was foolproof. No one would ever know you were doing it: butt crunches.
Really? No one would notice if most people suddenly clenched their butt muscles? Because every time I do that I get about three inches taller. And I smile. And maybe get a little flushed. I did a few of those, until my chair started squeaking. Enough with the buns of steel, I decided.
But then I found an exercise that I really could do at my desk without anyone noticing, and the health benefits are very enjoyable.
Ladies, you know the exercise I'm talking about. Anyone for Kegeling?
Ah yes. I believe it's always best to firm things up at the earliest opportunity.
Looking forward to tomorrow's round of exercises, I think I'll practise the head smack, followed by wild gesticulation and sighing.
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