And bend and stretch and bend and toss your monitor out the window

So I got through an average day at work, with only a couple of testy e-mails from the woman who presented me with a 70-page dog's breakfast of painstaking undoings of all my previous edits.

Okay, she didn't actually undo anything I had done, but she had put in a whole load of new crap that required some serious reworking. I (tactfully, I thought) asked her if she would be making it to my presentation on report writing style next week. She said she'd be out of town. I (tactfully) sent her a copy of my planned PowerPoint presentation. She apparently looked through the presentation and the accompanying notes, then wrote back asking, "What does this have to do with me?"

Um... yeah.

If I mention that English is not her first language, will I sound like a bigot in any sense other than a grammatical one? Damn right I want our reports to sound like they're written by native English speakers. In fact I'd say that's a requirement of good business practice. But I'm just the editor.

Anyway, to work off some of the steam that was building up between my ears, I decided to try out "five easy exercises you can do at your desk, to prevent that office-chair spread." Hm. Well - too late for that, but perhaps there are other things I can do to keep from atrophying while I tie my brain into knots. The article suggested leg lifts, underneath your desk. That was fine, in theory, until the man who sits across the aisle from me said, "What are you doing?" I put on my best dumb innocent voice and said, "What?" "It looks like you're doing synchronized swimming without a partner," he said.

End of the leg lifts.

Then the article suggested side bends, "as far as possible while staying safe." I think side lurches and side slides come after a three-martini lunch, and are decidedly unsafe. So - because my friend across the aisle could only see me from my knees down - I decided to try some side bends. Do you know how hard it is to concentrate on what you're reading on your computer screen while you're tipping over like the little teapot (short and stout, no doubt)?

Finally, there was one exercise that the article said was foolproof. No one would ever know you were doing it: butt crunches.

Really? No one would notice if most people suddenly clenched their butt muscles? Because every time I do that I get about three inches taller. And I smile. And maybe get a little flushed. I did a few of those, until my chair started squeaking. Enough with the buns of steel, I decided.

But then I found an exercise that I really could do at my desk without anyone noticing, and the health benefits are very enjoyable.

Ladies, you know the exercise I'm talking about. Anyone for Kegeling?

Ah yes. I believe it's always best to firm things up at the earliest opportunity.

Looking forward to tomorrow's round of exercises, I think I'll practise the head smack, followed by wild gesticulation and sighing.

Fifty Things You Don't Know About Me

50. If I'm sleeping alone, I don't move from the position I fall asleep in.
49. If I'm sharing a bed with someone, I won't sleep at all for at least the first 10 times.
48. I don't make my bed unless someone's coming over.
47. I make my kids make their beds every day.
46. I burst into song with embarrassingly little provocation.
45. I watch a lot of my kids' cartoons for my own enjoyment.
44. That said, I think a lot of the newer cartoons are the intellectual equivalent of Wonder Bread.
43. The only white bread I like is a baguette.
42. I existed on baguettes, pâté and pastries for about six months in my third year of university, because I didn't have any money to buy groceries. I did, however, have an Amex card, that the local bakery would accept.
41. When Amex cut off my card, I seriously considered killing myself for the first time, because I didn't have enough money to live.
40. Because I couldn't make rent, I slept with the superintendent of my building. That bought me three weeks. It was not a good investment strategy.
39. I've had four nervous breakdowns, the first one following the above. This one went untreated.
38. My family doctor would hide things from me, believing that it wasn't worth getting me upset. He called my breakdowns "getting overwhelmed."
37. I don't care about material possessions. Cars, jewelry and fancy clothes don't impress me.
36. I am impressed by honesty, fidelity, kindness and generosity of spirit.
35. I still start out by giving people 100 percent trust right off the bat, rather than making them earn it.
34. I am easily disappointed.
33. I poke fun at myself first, to beat other people to the punch.
32. I grind my teeth and crack my neck when I'm really stressed out.
31. I haven't been really stressed out since I left my ex.
30. I know enough karate to kill someone.
29. I've never used it outside of the dojo.
28. My ex used to threaten to have me charged with assault when I would defend myself from him.
27. If my body is going through something unpleasant, I can close myself off inside my brain, and come back to my body once the unpleasantness is over.
26. (damn, is this only halfway?) I've broken my left wrist three times. First while walking my dog (I was 7), then when rollerskating (I was 12), then while sparring (I was 26).
25. I can't ride a bike - my hips are about three inches out of alignment.
24. I hate winter sports, unless you're talking about watching hockey on TV.
23. I hate winter in general, so I'm planning on moving back out to the West Coast as soon as the kids are out on their own.
22. I've lived in five different provinces, from one side of Canada to the other.
21. I moved from the West Coast to the East Coast in one year.
20. I'm not a very reliable friend - I don't call, I forget birthdays - but have been blessed with wonderful friends myself.
19. I can go for days without speaking.
18. Most of my pleasant memories involve food.
17. Most of my unpleasant memories involve men.
16. My ass gets cold in November, and doesn't warm up again until May.
15. I can fireman-carry a 185-lb person up a flight of stairs.
14. I tell people lots of things about myself for the same reason I poke fun at myself: if you know everything about me, you can't say you weren't warned.
13. Repetitive noises give me a headache.
12. I sometimes wonder who these two small people are who live in my house. They say they're my kids, but they change so quickly they're like strangers to me some days.
11. I judge people based on their grammar and table manners.
10. I dislike diamonds and red roses.
9. I love good cologne on a man or woman.
8. I will go out of my way to be politically incorrect.
7. I can eat the same thing for every meal for several days in a row and not get bored.
6. I prefer solitude to company, though company is probably better for me.
5. I don't wash clothes after each wear, unless they're visibly dirty or smelly.
4. I overanalyze everything.
3. I like watching extreme sports, but have no desire to participate.
2. I'm ready to die.
and finally...
1. It bothers me when people come and go off my blog subscriber list without ever having left me a comment.
***
Ta-da. Your turn.

The eternal quest for balance - as a pincushion

Om...

I had an acupuncture appointment today, and learned many interesting things. I'm also quite relaxed now, which is keeping me from hurling my laptop across the room because it i-s o-n-l-y l-e-t-t-i-n-g m-e t-y-p-e (aw, fuckit) one letter a second.

Ahem. Om...

The acupuncturist was a nice lady, probably in her 40s and soft-spoken - which is a good thing to be, if you're holding several needles in your hand and telling me you'll be sticking them in my person.

She started out by looking at my list of grievances physical ailments, and saying, "No more sugar for you. Your yin is in deficit. Also, no more coffee."

It was clever of her to have locked the door, because she just ruled out about 80 percent of my diet. Plus which I don't consider coffee a beverage; I consider it medicine.

Om...

So she told me to restructure my diet, because my immune system and adrenal gland were overtaxed. She determined this by, among other things, looking at my tongue (too red; should be pink) and holding my hands (too hot; should be warm). She also gave me the most painful pulse-taking of my life - not that it was all that painful, but usually whoever is doing it has his or her fingers on my wrist for just long enough to determine that I'm not dead. She informed me that my kidney pulse was too weak. Damn slacker kidneys. They were probably loafing and watching Oprah.

Then we proceeded to the treatment room. For those of you who haven't had acupuncture, it's kind of like getting a really good massage - except instead of some strapping young lad named Horst, what's mobilizing your blood and energy are a bunch of little needles inserted up and down your body.

Yay. Actually, it's really quite painless and - for me, anyway - works really well.

I got punctured, and the nice lady left me alone to relax. I know I relaxed, because I woke myself up snoring. I wonder who else I woke up... oh well.

After all the needles had been yanked out and I was getting ready to leave, the nice lady recommended I take something home to do self-therapy: a seven-pointed star.

Oh, I thought. That's nice. I like stars.

Instead, what I got was this:

It's about the size of a toothbrush, and at the broad end (barely visible here) are seven needles, about 1/4" long. On the thin end is one mutha of a needle, also about 1/4" long but about as wide around as... as... something you don't want poking in your skin.

The nice lady told me I should gently whack myself in the head with this seven-pointed star, to stimulate my follicles and promote hair growth. I think her strategy is to scare my hair into growing.

Om...

I'm going back next week for more poking. I can't deny that I feel much better now than I did before I saw her this afternoon - I'm very relaxed and not hungry and my mind seems quite clear. If nothing else, I think my general health will improve because a doctor has finally said, Smarten up, you're hurting yourself.

Does anyone else have acupuncture stories? I'd be interested in hearing them.

Enter at your own risk.

..> ..>..>..>

Your Wrath Quotient: 58%

Ouch! You've got a bit of a temper going on there, don't you? Just make sure to keep your revenge fantasies just that: fantasies only!

How Much Wrath Do You Have?

*** ..> ..>..>..>

You Are 66% Bitchy

While you may not think of yourself as the ice queen, admit it, you're often in a bad mood. And it's those around you who often bear the brunt of your annoyance, even if they haven't done anything wrong!

How Bitchy Are You?

*** ..> ..>..>..>

You Are a Pretty Good Liar

Your lies are somewhat believable, but sometimes you get caught. Work on keeping your body language and emotions calm. And you'll be a better liar in no time!

Are You a Good Liar?

*** ..>..>

You Are Very Skeptical

Your personal motto is: "Prove it." While some ideas, like life after death, may seem nice... You aren't going to believe them simply because it feels good. You let science and facts be your guide... Even if it means you don't share the beliefs of those around you.

How Skeptical Are You?

*** ..> ..>..>..>

You Are More Cutthroat Than You Think

Yes, you do have that killer instinct lurking in you. And while you may not be actually cutting throats anytime soon, you certainly don't mind clawing your way to the top.

Are You Cutthroat?

..> ..>..>..>

You're a Total Maneater

Almost every guy that crosses your path ends up a little worse for wear. You see men as your playthings - and your motto is "So many men, so little time." And while you're having fun, everyone is a little scared of you. Your girlfriends are leery of your maneating ways. And most men find you downright freaky.

Are You a Maneater?

... any questions?

Coincidence? I think not.

Earlier this week, Canada got its shorts in a knot because of a comment made by U.S. Defence Secretary Robert Gates. He said that NATO forces - including Canada, Britain and Holland - were sending soldiers into Afghanistan without sufficient knowledge of how to fight a guerrilla insurgency. So a couple of days later Gates' press secretary recanted and said it had all been a misunderstanding - of course the U.S. appreciated the Allies' efforts in combating terrorism.

This morning it appears that a Canadian manual has been leaked to the media that names Guantanamo Bay, the U.S. and Israel as sites of torture worldwide. Now the Canadians are saying that those sites were wrongly named - our many, many apologies, America.

All this makes me wish that once - just once - countries would come out and say what they really mean. It's no secret to Canadians that the U.S. thinks our military is a joke - and, until the Afghanistan conflict, we made our share of jokes at our military's expense too, regarding our outdated equipment and lack of funding. But in my opinion for the U.S. Defence Minister to come out and say, "You suck at combat," should have either been followed up with "... and here's how we propose to help," or, "You know what? Send your guys home. You've lost enough soldiers in an unwinnable war."

Either one of those would have been far preferable to me over, "Oh no, you're doing just fine. Proceed to die as usual."

I don't get that. I just don't.

And I think it was about time that a nation - any nation - came out and called the U.S. and Israel on the carpet for practicing the same abusive interrogation techniques that the U.S. criticizes in others. The fact that no one was particularly surprised by the manual that came out should speak volumes: Yes, you countries are torturing people for your own ends. You can justify it, because no one is willing to stand up to you.

But no. Now we have to issue a retraction too. So it's like that Christmas dinner party, where everyone smiles thin-lipped smiles, and no one talks about the major issues facing the family.

That's healthy.

Wouldn't a little more truth in politics be a welcome thing? How can we possibly alienate each other any more? Can't we stop worrying about what the "right" thing to say is, and instead think about what we can do to cut through the red tape and get to the heart of the matter?

In my view, the heart of the matter is that trying to impose a Western way of life on any non-western culture is doomed to fail. Taking up arms in someone else's battle is not the same now as it was 50 or 60 years ago. But we also have more information at our disposal than they did 50 or 60 years ago. Surely we should be able to use it to get information in ways that don't require us to torture people.

Perhaps I'm being too simplistic, but it'd be a nice thought.

If we're saving so much time, how come we all feel spent?

I am a decidedly low-tech person. I prefer hanging my laundry on the line to putting it in the dryer; washing dishes by hand to putting them in the dishwasher; walking to driving; train travel to plane travel; writing to calling; wood fire to natural gas. The fact that I have a computer at all surprises me, and if it weren't for the fact that it makes a very handy reference tool, communication facilitator and plant stand I would likely be able to get along just fine without one.

I realize that most people's love of new gadgets stems from a desire to get things done quickly: I don't have time to wait for popcorn to pop in five minutes on top of the stove; I'd rather nuke it for three. I can't wait five days for Aunt Myrtle to get my letter asking her to send money; I need the money tomorrow. And I can't spend the whole day travelling to Toronto; I need to be there and back by tonight if I want to watch Desperate Housewives.

It might just be me, but I suspect that a lot of the time we "save" with every new gadget we add is immediately filled with other things we feel we have to do. We all have computers at work, designed to save us time - but who's working less today than they did 10 years ago? And then, when we get home, instead of taking time to relax with our families, a lot of us shift into Martha Stewart mode, making sure that the gardens look perfect and the house looks perfect - never mind that what's going on inside the house is NOT perfect.

Consider kids. As soon as they're old enough, which is not very old, kids get shunted into enrichment programs, so between the time they spend at daycare, or school plus a sitter, and the time they spend learning how to play the violin/kick a soccer ball/paint like Renoir, they're home just long enough to eat dinner with their parents (during which time they're supposed to debrief them on the events of the day, as long as they don't talk with their mouths full), have a bath and go to bed.

And people wonder why our kids display a lack of responsibility to, involvement in or compassion for their families? How can they be involved in something that has nothing to do with them?

Consider also that on the whole North Americans are getting fatter. That's largely due to the fact that a lot of the grunt work has been taken out of everyday life. People don't walk anywhere, unless you count the trip from their car to the restaurant. No one scrubs floors on hands and knees, they use their Swiffer mops instead (and fool themselves into thinking the floors are clean). They don't cook meals from scratch, they vacuum instead of sweeping, they ride lawn tractors instead of using push mowers, use snow and leaf blowers instead of shovels and rakes. And yet people are consuming more calories today than they did 50 years ago, when everyone had to do a little manual labour each day, even if that just meant climbing stairs to get to their office.

I can hear people's arguments now: but I NEED those time-saving doodads to complete all the stuff I have to do on any given day. What, exactly, do you have to do on any given day? Keep the house and grounds tidy? Feed yourself (or the kids)? Do some take-home work from the office? Watch TV? Are you sure that's the best use of your time?

Truthfully, I suspect that a lot of us want to rush through our daily tasks so we can sit undisturbed and vegetate for a couple of hours at the end. Perhaps if we did less, we'd accomplish more. Sit with the kids at dinner, then have them help with the washing up. Blow bubbles at each other. Turn off the TV until bedtime and see if you get bored. With a little luck, maybe turning off the TV will mean an earlier bedtime for some couples - who wouldn't rather create their own all-time favourite sex scenes than watch some other couple get it on?

Again, I'm not telling anyone else how they should live their life, but if you feel like you're over-taxed or empty at the end of the day, look at where you're investing yourself. It's never too early or too late to rearrange your priorities.

And if anyone wants me for the next half hour, I'll be doing dishes with my kids.

Honey, I'm home...

So my kids came back tonight from a week at their father's. It's funny - the patterns you get into without really thinking about. When you have a baby, you could be sleeping three doors down the hall, but if the baby so much as clears its throat, you're so wide awake and on the job that you could do algebra. You relax a little over time, but that instinct to rush to your kid's side never goes away.

And it takes a lifetime of being with your kids to learn what they like and what they don't; how much of a disciplinarian you have to be and what you can bribe them with. This is where I feel sorry for non-custodial parents - sure, you get to be the "fun" parent and do all the things the custodial parent won't, but when the chips are down it's hard to gain the kind of knowledge of your kids you get when you live with them all the time.

So I was prepared for the kids to have a wacky week with Dear Old Dad. But in that same week, I let my base-level awareness slip: I didn't have to keep an ear open for a kid's cry in the night, so I slept like a log. I didn't have to make sure anyone ate their broccoli, so I didn't cook any. I didn't have to keep an eye open for instep-maiming toys left in the middle of the floor and I didn't have to make sure that people were slathered with SPF 50 suncream before we left the house.

It was glorious.

However, now that the kids are back all my new weaknesses are being exposed. While the kids were running around my nice, neat living room yelling "Cake! Cake! Cake!" I forgot to scan the floor for foreign objects, and a Happy Meal toy gave my instep a Vulcan nerve pinch. Swell. I cut up some apples for the kids - no way they were getting cake-cake-cake. But I didn't get a chance to give them the apples, because they had already bolted for the back yard, had found the hose and were squirting each other. Have you ever tried to get a hose away from a determined 3-yr-old? Even if you win, you lose.

So finally we all squelched back into the house and I announced that it was bedtime. Apparently the kids had learned, over the past week with Dear Old Dad, that "bedtime" was code for "30 more minutes of running around like wild monkeys." I don't know where the darling children I raised went; my best guess is that my ex swapped them out with some mutant hybrid wolverine-children that he engineered in some lab. (He's crafty that way.)

Alright, so once and for all, at 9 pm the kids were secure in their beds (with a little duct tape). Five drinks of water, two lost toys and three stories later, and all is quiet upstairs. That either means they're asleep, or they're cutting an escape hole in the baby gate.

Think Mommy better go find some cake-cake-cake of her own.